Thoughts on transfer day.

Thoughts on transfer day.

Hello, everyone! I just wanted to dive a little deeper on what I was feeling and thinking on my wife’s transfer day. I explained what we did on the day before and the day of the transfer but I didn’t quite touch on my experience of it all. So let’s start with morning breakfast. Patrick, Damien, Mandy, and I were sitting at a table in the restaurant eating breakfast and Patrick and Damien wanted to take us on the tram that goes from South Waterfront to OHSU which stands for Oregon Health and Science University. After we all ate breakfast Patrick called a Uber ride to take us to the South waterfront tram station and then we soon boarded the areal tram. It is a short ride on the tram to OHSU, it felt like it couldn’t have been longer than 5 minutes. The views of Portland from this tram are amazing!IMG_20170224_103732428.jpg

We walked around OHSU for a little bit and it was quite a busy place! My understanding it is to Oregon as UCLA is to California. After walking around we all loaded back in the aerial tram to return to the south waterfront district. On the way down some other people were on the tram with us and they had children with them. The tram started to swing and you can hear one of the children getting excited and saying in a cute little voice “I want to swing, I love to swing!” and when the tram started swinging, nothing but happy noises came from the child. I noticed a joy come over Patrick and Damien as this was going on and as they observed the other children in the tram enjoying themselves. I thought to myself, “That is how I probably looked as my wife and I were expecting our child.” and how I find it awesome how when you are ready and wanting to have kids you tend to look at other children with a sense of appreciation of the joy of having a child.

After getting off the tram we called a Uber and then traveled to the green belt near Portland State University and walked along the greenbelt taking in the scenery. We had a wonderful conversation about pursuing your passions, strategies on how to plan for getting to your goals, and just straight up showing each other support for our lives. When we were finished walking the greenbelt we were not far from our hotel so we just walked the few blocks back and prepared for the transfer appointment. Mandy changed into her PJs so that she wouldn’t have to worry about changing later when she had to minimize her movement. We all met back in the hotel lobby and walked across the street to the clinic for the transfer appointment. I can say I didn’t have any worries about this whole process. Quite frankly I felt completely normal, which given the situation that my wife is about to get scientifically knocked-up I should have been feeling anything but normal. I felt like this is just a routine experience.  Maybe my mind just couldn’t grasp what was actually happening, but I almost felt numb.

Before the procedure, Patrick, Damien, Mandy and myself were all in the recovery room. I sat in the back corner closest to Mandy’s head, and Patrick and Damien are sitting against the wall to her feet. I don’t know if it just was where I was sitting but I felt excluded in the excitement in that moment. I felt like the coordinator ignored me mostly though she did say hello, I still felt like I was invisible. You know what? Me feeling like that is completely ok. It wasn’t my moment for attention. It is a moment where you are put on the back burner, where you are a ghost in the moment. You are there to show support and to be excited for the journey your wife is embarking on and for the new parents to be and that is it. I feel that it would be selfish to feel any other way. Just to be clear I wasn’t ignored, and I was included and I was involved in conversation but it was truly a feeling of you see all these things happening around you and it is like you are looking through the glass, as if everyone else doesn’t see you, or like you are a spectator in a play. The feeling was quite something else, and yet it was oddly satisfying. You can’t go into something like this as the partner being selfish, and wanting attention in moments like this is a sure way to ruin the moment for everyone. Instead, if you are feeling left out, or like people are ignoring you, just be there, share in everyone’s excitement and be happy that your partner is able to give this wonderful joy to another couple. Remember, this whole experience is not about you, your only job is to support your partner however she needs, and as a bonus, you get to share the experience of the joy being created by this journey. At no point did I felt like I was less important, I may have felt like I had nobody’s attention, but I never was made to feel like I was insignificant. Bottom line it just wasn’t my moment and I’m 100% ok with that.

I couldn’t help but laugh a little inside when my wife came back in no less than 10 minutes after she left for her procedure because of how drowsy she was,(poor girl.) We sat in the recovery room for 45 minutes when the nurse came in and told us we were free to go and that she would grab the wheelchair and take my wife back to the hotel so that way we could get her on bed rest as soon as possible. This is important because we really want this embryo to stick! I became her personal servant for the next two days. The only things that she was allowed to do were to get up to use the bathroom and to sit up no greater than a 45° angle. When we got back to the room, Mandy went straight to sleep and took a nice long nap. When she woke we ordered a pizza and then called the guys up to our room. Patrick brought painting supplies with him so that he could teach us all how to paint. I tell you what I had so much fun with this, as did everyone else! We painted the rest of the evening and some more the next day.


Island of Santorini, Greece.

Image Source – MatthiasG.

This is what we are painting. It looks like a lot but once Patrick broke it down it seemed a lot easier to take in and to paint. I really enjoy painting so far and I can’t wait to finish my first painting!

After painting on the night of the transfer Patrick and Damien were hungry for dinner and I wanted some coffee. We also needed to pick up some water bottles for our room so we left Mandy and she fell asleep while we were out running the errand. Patrick and Damien ate at the restaurant in the hotel while I sat with them drinking my coffee. “How do you do that?” one of them asked. I told them I never have had a problem drinking caffeine close to bedtime. I can sleep through anything, even loaded up on caffeine, but at this point, I was so tired that in order to stay awake I really needed that coffee. We had some wonderful conversation sitting there, talking just to get to know each other more and I hope every surrogate and their partner gets a good chance to get to know the intended parents as well as we are getting to know Patrick and Damien. A little while after their meal we went up to our rooms and I found Mandy sleeping away. She woke up soon after I entered the room from the noise of plastic bags full of water bottles and the door closing. She lets me know that she wants to eat so we order room service from the restaurant downstairs.

After painting most of the day and after watching Moana, we ordered room service Saturday night and we played cards against humanity together while we were waiting for our food and as we were eating. To sum it up, I’m glad our senses of humor are on the same page. Patrick and Damien are fabulous company and I am grateful they were able to be with us during the transfer. There are some surrogates that don’t get to see the intended parents in person until the baby is already here due to the fact the intended parents often are from out of the country. It is so nice that we don’t live too far away from the intended parents where we can get together and visit easily. We wrapped it up in Oregon on Sunday by wandering around knob Hill area and walking in a few shops before our flight back home.


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